Becoming Mumsy

My journey through motherhood and everything in between.

Life after pregnancy loss.

Welcome back!

This week is Baby Loss Awareness Week 2018, so I thought this would be the right time to write about how I found life after our first miscarriage. 

*This is a warning, as I know many people struggle with pregnancy loss, and so this post could be triggering*



Pregnancy loss

If you've read my post on our journey to conceiving Edith, you'll know that we didn't have an easy time. We miscarried twice, during the two years that it took to conceive.

Finding out I was pregnant in March 2016, was truly a dream come true. At that point, we had been married only a few months, and still living in the marital bliss that followed. However, at the point that we lost our baby, the day that we got back from our honeymoon, it felt like my world crumbled.

I was truly in the lowest point of my life

I'd frequently find myself crying at the sight of my period reminding me that we had failed again, and more often than not, I'd start the whole grieving process all over again. 

My stages of grief

I think grief is a very subjective emotion, but then again, aren't they all?

I found myself feeling sad, angry, obsessive and bitter - not emotions that would help me on our way to getting pregnant again.

The thought of not being able to still be pregnant filled me with sadness, as you could imagine. I was constantly questioning 'why us?' We so desperately wanted to start our own family, but we had, what seemed like, a big barrier in front of us that was stopping it.

Although we did have some support, and we made the effort to talk about what we were going through, I think people did struggle with what to say to us. Ultimately, I don't think anyone really knows what to say, unless they've been through it themselves. However, the more we spoke about it, the more common we realised baby loss really is. The more we spoke about it, more people that we knew began to share their stories with us, and in a strange way, it gave me comfort. Not comfort in other people's sorrows, but just to know that I wasn't alone in my way of thinking. 

I'd often talk about how bitter I was feeling. Why could everyone else get pregnant? Why did so many others have what I wanted? It began a whole downward spiral of self-loathing and bitterness, and truthfully, it bought out the worst side of me. Looking back now, I know that I wasn't in a good place, and I'd like to think I'm not that person now.

Conclusions

I find myself feeling strange as I write this post. Although I have Edith, and she is everything that I could ever want, the feeling of pregnancy loss won't leave me, I don't think. I was early pregnant when I went through my losses, however, I don't think that means that I can't feel sad about them from time to time. It's awareness weeks like this, that make the emotions come flooding back, so in truth, I don't think pregnancy loss truly ever goes away. There's always a question of 'what if?' 

Reach out

One of the best things I did, was reach out. I do believe that my mental health was in turmoil during our trying to conceive months/years, but speaking about it really did help. So, if anyone is reading this, and is struggling, my inbox is always open. Reach out, and get support.

Thanks, lovelies.

A.x


1 comment

  1. It never leaves you completely and you have every right to grieve xx

    ReplyDelete