Becoming Mumsy

My journey through motherhood and everything in between.

Our journey to our rainbow.

I said for some time that I was going to write a post about our 'trying to conceive' (TTC) journey. I feel oddly superstitious about tempting fate, so I decided that it would be a post that I would tackle once Edith was born. 

This will be an incredibly sensitive blog post for me to write, because although our daughter is born, I don't think the upset that followed this journey will ever leave me.

Early days

I was still a student at the time, in my last year at university, when Max and I started having conversations about having children. He wanted them right away, and the compromise was that we would start once I was finished with my degree, which is what we did. In June 2015, we actively started trying to get pregnant. 

When I say 'actively trying', I mean full blown, jumping into the deep end, trying. I was doing everything possible that might maximise our chances of getting pregnant. Now, that might sound crazy, because you'd think 'oh, trying is the fun part', but let me just point out that I am the worst for getting a 'bee in my bonnet' so to speak.

I had been on the implant and I remember feeling so excited at getting it taken out and to watch my body adjust to life without contraception. However, it wasn't as breezy as that. My cycles took a long, long time to regulate. I had very irregular cycles, which turns out they never got 'regular'. It became an obsession to try to work out when I might ovulate.

Obsession?

Like I said, trying to get pregnant became my obsession. I started down a dark path that left me feeling miserable, and quite frankly, useless. I felt like I wasn't fulfilling my roll as a woman, and that I was broken. Mentally, I began to feel broken as well. Max and I entered a very strained time in our relationship, and we often felt saddened by our lack of success.

Month after month, when you struggle to get the thing you want most, it really does have a negative effect on your mental state. I'd often cry at the sight of getting my period, because it meant another failed attempt. It would break my heart to have to tell Max that, yet again, we weren't successful.

When I say I got obsessed, I truly mean it. I would, more than regularly, do ovulation tests. If I could pee on it, then I would. Every morning, I'd take my temperature first thing, to try and pinpoint my most fertile time. Nothing was off limits.

Happier times

On the 15th March 2016, our luck began to change. We were pregnant

I was so happy to finally tell Max the news, and we were both in shock if I'm honest. We had our honeymoon booked for later in the month, so life, at the time, was absolute bliss. 



We went to New York and although I was so moody, what from the hormone changes, the jet lag, etc. We were also the happiest we've ever been. We were on our way to having a baby. 
Then we got home. 

Darkest moments

The day we arrived home, I knew something wasn't right. I instantly felt uneasy, that something was going on. 
It was my worst nightmare come true. I went to the bathroom, to find that I was bleeding heavily. I knew at that moment what was happening. I shouted down to Max and told him that we needed to go to the hospital. I was in shock, so the tears wouldn't even come. I didn't want to believe what was happening.

Later that night, I miscarried our baby. 

Trying again

After the miscarriage, I felt angry. Why us

I would hate walking past pregnant women in the street, or babies in their pushchairs. I felt so bitter, and I couldn't shake it. 

We ended up trying again straight away, because I felt like I was missing something. I needed to fill the void that was tearing me apart.

It got to May 2016, and I found out that I was pregnant again. This time, I was more dubious because my gut instinct was telling me that it was too good to be true. It turns out that my gut was right. 

Time was ticking

After a year had gone by, I decided that I was going to go to my GP. I would insist that they help us. 
after countless blood tests, we discovered that there was nothing that was presenting itself to be a problem. So I pushed for further testing. 

In March 2017, I went for a hysterosalpingogram (HSG), which involves dye being injected into the fallopian tubes to check to blockages. I remember walking into the hospital feeling positive that we would get answers. I was, of course, scared, but cautiously optimistic. Again, the test came back clear and we were again dumbfounded. 

In the end, it turns out that male factors were a potential cause for us not getting pregnant. We had answers, maybe not what we hoped for, but we could deal with it.

Fertility treatment

In May 2017, we were being seen by the fertility specialists at the hospital. We were getting somewhere, which meant we were getting closer to having a family. 

We were told that we would be entitled to Intrauterine insemination (IUI). We were so excited, because we had a good feeling that this could be it. We would have our rainbow baby. 



In June 2017, more bloods were taken and the fertility drugs given, ready to start on my next cycle. We decided not to bother trying that month. We needed a break, and we needed to be in the right mental state to start treatment. 

In July 2017, we bought Dobby, one of our cats. I think we were mad, but I think Dobby turned out to be a good luck charm for us. After 10 days of having Dobby, we got the biggest surprise. We were pregnant!

I found out a few days before my period was due, which would have been the start date for my fertility drugs, ready to begin our IUI treatment. I couldn't believe it. I ended up texting my mum in complete excitement, and then sending a snapchat to one of my friends...sorry Max!



When it rains look for rainbows, when it's dark look for stars

I decided that I wanted to make it a surprise for Max. My tests were getting darker, and my optimism for this pregnancy was growing. I had to let Max know. So, I decided to fill a box with a sleepsuit, a letter and, of course, a pregnancy test. When Max was home from work, I'd get him to open it, whilst I managed to film it. 



It really was such perfect timing for us. A week before we were due to start treatment, our Edie girl decided she had different plans for us, and how grateful and blessed we are because of her. 

Anxiety sets in

Although things felt perfect, as time went by, I felt more and more nervous. Miscarriage will do that to a person. I should have been happy, but my anxiety was starting to seep in and take that away. With every niggle and twinge I would panic that something was going wrong. My heart wouldn't be able to take it if something happened. Looking back now, I tried to distance myself from the pregnancy that I so badly wanted.

We ended up having multiple early pregnancy scans. Yes, I know that they would not change fate, but they gave me the reassurance I needed to keep negative thoughts away. Plus, why wouldn't I want to see my baby as many times as I could?

Lighter and brighter days

I did begin to enjoy my pregnancy, and if you've read my previous posts, you'll know that I loved being pregnant, once the first trimester was over. I stopped having scans, because Edith gave me reassurance with her kicks, so I didn't feel like I needed to have them. My growing bump also gave me the reassurance I needed, because she was growing. My body was flourishing and I was beaming with growing my baby. 

Writing this post has been a bit of an emotional whirlwind for me. The person who I was, almost three years ago, is far from the person I am now. I am happy. I am grateful. 

Our rainbow girl is finally here, and we are in the next adventure of our lives - parenthood.

I hope you enjoyed reading this personal post.

Thanks, lovelies.

A.x

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